Shit, Schieze, Merde: Crowd Observations

You never really know what kind of show you're going to get at The Casbah on any given night--but you know the bands are going to put on a great performance and that 85 to 100% of the crowd (about 50% of which are drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon) will just stand or sit there gawking. Since I never know what to expect, I wasn't terribly surprised to encounter the wacky folks dying to check out !!! (all of whom were blathering about having seen them at Coachella in 2004) on Monday (12/12). I was, however, impressed to find there were three essential idiot archetypes all within three feet of me.

1) "Painfully Drunk and Alone Girl who Totally Wants to Fuck Nic Offer But Her Gut and Painfully White Dancing Style Will Cock Block Her." You know the type if you've been to college. She's the skinniest of that slutty fat girl clique and may or may not have at one point been a goth chick or in a sorority. That, of course, depends on what exactly caused the inferiority complex: semi-regular night visits from daddy or a hotter, more popular older sister. Oh, and she's got a brilliantly blonde dye job, rivaling every 16 to 25-year-old female gas station cashier in America. I haven't done enough research to see if they're the same person or not yet.

At one point Girl #1 actually hopped onstage and humped Offer's leg. To be honest, I'm actually surprised I saw no nudity ... although she did at one point take off her sweater, pulled her tank down to her midriff (exposing her black-lace bra clad breasts) and spun it around 360 degrees and slid the spaghetti straps back on. The significance of this needs further research.

2) "Me and My Tank Ass Take Issue with 'Painfully Drunk and Alone Girl' Girl." She got so flustered that Girl #1 was having a good time performing her bizarre mating ritual that by song two she was standing with her arms folded, by song three had already laid Girl #1 out by knocking her over onto the stage and by song four was NOWHERE to be seen. (For the record, Girl #1 was so hammered she didn't even noticed the flagrant foul was anything other than the ebb and flow of the crowd). She's the type of person who feels so uncomfortable in social settings she feels the need to intentionally draw all of the attention to herself pre-inevitable temper tantrum by talking very loudly about the band, her feet hurting and the way her friends look better than her, meanwhile making regular eye contact with everyone around her. It's uncomfortable.

3) "4'11" Former Anorexic Brunette Who Asks if She Can Stand in Front of You Because You're Taller Than She is and Apologizes in Advance for Hitting You While She Dances." Although she had better moves than Girl #1 I really did think she was going to break my glasses with the obligatory boney elbows that accompany this species of idiot. Subsequently I spent the last three songs trying to figure out where I was going to drum up the $130 for new frames. Probably has been Roofied once or twice and liked the attention so she didn't say anything. Now that I think about it, she probably was hoping I'd be the next perp by initiating the "I'm going to apologize in advance" dialogue.

I can't help but people watch at shows. It's part of what makes going to shows both irritating and amazing. It's like a yin and yang I can't live without: euphoria and utter annoyance. I have to see the dregs of society to remember why what I'm seeing onstage is so amazing: in this case seven Bay Area dance party hippies overcoming illness (Offer sounded like Guy Picciotto because his voice was shot) and a lame crowd (Offer said "We've got three more," which received jeers. Offer responded: "Well it's not like you guys are moving")

Amazingly, after Offer's innuendos the crowd went apeshit. People even crowd surfed. Which, if you've ever been to The Casbah would seem relatively death defying because of the low ceilings. In the ultimate prickish move of prickish moves--they didn't play an encore OR (if they're a Locust/Les Savy Fav type band which hates the pretentiousness of encores) even just a fourth song. I could have gone for one more, but seeing the drunken fools try to figure it out was actually more entertaining. On my way out I picked up an old 7" of theirs on Sound Virus.

Currently Listening To: Live Wilco and The Kevins