Whisky Bloody Marys are simply not very good.

Some highlights of my return trip* home for two weeks, my abbreviated trip* to Vegas and my wee bit too long visit* to Arizona:

1) When I arrived at the Buffalo airport, my good friend Carolyn was there to great me, after I left her a retarded message on her answering machine that morning. She beat my parents. Which makes some sense, considering she lives 5 minutes away and my dad just turned 50 and now drives like he's 70.

2) Second night after I get there (I think. I spent much of my New York time in a drunken stupor--it's just easier that way) my brother and I play pool for what I believe ended up being 5 1/2 hours talking mostly about the bullshit our father has put us through over the course of our lives, our grandfather's recent death and careers. We also managed to polish off a 12 pack of Labatt Ice--after I had had 4 drinks at the local "pub" while watching the Sabres game. (They won 2-1 in a thrilling OT shootout featuring the greatest not-goal I've ever seen by rookie Thomas Vanek. He purposefully whiffed on a shot then rang one off the crossbar over the goalie's left shoulder).

3) More Sabres games, more liquor, more beer. They lose 4-1 against Florida. They're dicks. They crush Tampa Bay (in a game I didn't get to see) 4-1. I love them again.

4) Um, open bar at "The Pub" on Christmas day A Christmas present to the locals. I believe we counted 30-35 drinks between my sister's fiance and me. I wish I was kidding. We decided to try just about everything. I even had Ol' Grandad. Hell yes Bad Santa. I got the extended edition of Sin City, season 2 of Arrested Development, the first Kings of Leon CD and maybe something else. With my grandmother's Christmas money I purchase CDs from 31G (Arab on Radar's singles collection, the only Festival of Dead Deer CD and the Holy Molar CD).

5) Jen, my brothers Micah and Josh and Josh's friend Alex (our other brother was sick) go to the Sabres game in Buffalo on the day after Christmas (known in some cultures as "Jimmy's Birthday"). Our seats are at the very top. We don't care as Ales Kotalik pops off to make the game 1-0 almost six minutes into the game. I start telling Jen, "See! See!" The New York Islanders promptly score 3 goals in the first. Score's 3-1. I'm actually not worried. They've been coming from behind a lot lately. 2nd period: Maxim Afinogenov scores to make it 3-2. Woot. Jen's getting a drink when it happens, sees it on TV, falls in love with Afinogenov. 3rd period: Brian "The Gomer" Campbell ties it up on the Power Play. Inbreeding jokes all around. Then former Sabre and current Islander Alexei Zhitnik takes a stupid penalty. I tell Jen the Sabres have effectively wrapped up the victory because that's what Zhitnik always did as a Sabre. Moments later Thomas Vanek scores. 11 SECONDS later Chris Drury scores. A few minutes after that Jochen Hecht tops it off with an empty-netter. Final score: Sabres 6, Islanders 3. Best hockey game I've ever seen live.

6) More drinking, probably lots of eating. Was supposed to meet friends in Buffalo. Couldn't get a car and didn't feel like driving anyway. More Sabres games. They keep winning. I can't seem to get my tenses straight tonight.

7) My sister (Nikki) gets married. The highlight of this evening, BY FAR, is the retarded child of my sister's husband-to-be's half-brother's girlfriend FARTING. Loudly. Micah (the ring-bearer) starts fucking cracking up right as he's supposed to give Nikki the ring to put on her future husband (Dan. A decent guy. Pros: can drink a lot, can put up with Nikki's bullshit, is an electrician. Cons: drinks too much, smokes around my sister [she's pregnant], hates "Nigs") So do I (cracks up that is, not hates black people). We look at each other and lose it. Nikki yells "Mikes! Give me the ring!!!" Oh, let me tell you how fitting it is for someone to "break wind" at my little sister's wedding.

8) New Year's Eve. Play "Truth or Dare" Jenga with 17-year-olds, the highlight of which was Zack prank calling Josh's manager over speaker phone and telling him he was going to tea bag him. Josh's manager asked "What the hell is that?" Zack said, "That's when I put my nutsack on your forehead, or perhaps your eyelids." Somewhere between here and Vegas we lose our luggage, get it back and decide never to fly America West again.

9) VEGAS!!! Free White Russians while playing penny slots!!!! No open container law!!! Walking around with a water bottle filled with El Tosoro Tequila!!!! Jen and I see at least three men who are 7 feet tall. It scares us. We like Cirque De Soleil's "O." It reminds us of watching The Arcade Fire live--you never really know who to look at, but you're still satisfied the entire show. We might move here.

10) PHOENIX: We go to a bar near ASU and the bartender makes the most convincing argument I've ever seen for breast implants. I note that most Arizona girls are brunettes (a plus) who have no ass (depressing). I read George R. R. Martin's A Storm of Swords almost the entire time. But Jen and her sister get to hang out a lot, which is nice because they never see each other.

*All valid reasons as to why exactly I haven't touched this in three weeks

**The picture is of the baby Skylar, my other sister's child, being tortured by me and Johnny Depp (in the dreadfully boring Finding Neverland). She's adorable and smart and a menace because she's so curious.

Currently Listening to: Japan's Limited Express (has gone?)