I'm eating Necco wafers

About halfway through the Golden Globes I realized it was the first time I had ever watched them. That means I've sat through the drudgery that is the Oscars probably about 15 times, the Grammy's 12 and the Tonys, well, I've never seen them either, in the same amount of time. I've even seen the VMA's a couple times and I'm pretty sure I saw those weird Canadian Grammys at some point too. I think they're called the Juno Awards.

It was also about halfway through the Golden Globes that I realized they're at least partly what awards shows should be like: the speeches are however the fuck long they want, everyone's hammered and people like Felicity Huffman can actually beat Gwyneth Paltrow and Charlize Theron in a "Best Actress" award. Better still, Law & Order's S. Epatha Merkerson can beat Cynthia Nixon, Halle Berry and Mira Sorvino for Lackawanna Blues. The terribly underrated Mary-Louise Parker can beat three egomaniacs (and the out-of-place Huffman) from Desperate Housewives for her portrayal of a suburban weed-selling angst-driven hot mom. Let's not forget Steve Carell's crushing victory over Larry David, dickhead of all dickheads Zack Braff (if you've seen his Punk'd you know what I mean), Jason Lee and Charlie Sheen (where was Jason Bateman, by the way) for his role as Michael Scott.

In other words, it's fucking bedlam.

Because it's got two winners for best picture (Comedy or Musical AND Drama) you get two fucking contenders in the top 3 categories...like Ali vs. Frazier, Tyson vs. Holyfield, and, let's say, Mac vs. Tyson.

If you go just by the winners, the Oscars should look something like this:

1) Phillip Seymour Hoffman vs. Joaquin Phoenix
2) Walk the Line vs. Brokeback Mountain
3) Reese Witherspoon vs. Felicity Huffman

Let's see how this one plays out:

1) Hoffman, the greatest character actor this side of Paul Giamatti, and Phoenix, who truly became Johnny Cash for Walk The Line are more evenly matched than you might think, even with Hoffman's girth. Why? Because Phoenix has that psychotic look. After seeing him in Gladiator I realized he should have played the Anthony Perkin's character in the remake of Psycho, not Vince Vaughan (much too goofy). Yet, I still can't see Phoenix walking away unscathed. After a brutal cat fight (including Hoffman mocking River Phoenix's death and insisting their match occurs outside The Viper Room) I think Phoenix comes out on top--albeit with another hairlip. Truman Capote was, simply, too weird for most people.

2) Movie vs. Movie: Walk The Line in a landslide. Who's to say which movie is better, but you can predict how the voting's going to go: Ang Lee will win best director, and Brokeback will get best screenplay, but Walk The Line is significantly better than Ray, it's genre's most recent litmus test so voters will feel compelled to vote for it. Phoenix and Witherspoon became two American icons--that they actually sang the songs and sounded perfect? Icing. That's what Oscar wants...not groundbreaking love stories between men. Same old song and dance for those folks...

3) Reese wins. Huffman, a career TV personality, doesn't stand a chance. Reese's strongest competition are the other ladies Huffman beat, I'm sure...

Since I can't be overly critical of the awards themselves, because they actually went out on a few limbs, I'll just note a few other high/lowlights:

1) Reese Witherspoon acting surprised when Walk The Line won for best musical or comedy. Come the fuck on.

2) Will Ferrell losing his shit when Geena Davis delivered this line: "That didn't actually happen" when she told this heartfelt story of some little girl tugging on her dress before the awards began and saying that Davis playing the President made her realize she could be president some day. An instant comedy classic.

3) During Davis's convincing, yet fake, story, Gwyneth Paltrow was witnessed looking at Davis googley-eyed saying, "Awwww" as in "See, we actors really can make a difference." Unfortunately, they didn't cut back to her..

4) Until they showed her in some in depth conversation with some dude who touched the puffy shoulders of her dress. I've not seen such a dismissive death look in my life: "OK. It's enough that I let you talk to me. Why are your hands on me?"

5) Camryn Manheim's Grand Canyon cleavage. AT LEAST a foot long.

6) Harrison Ford hammered, wobbling and misprouncing Tony Kushner's name (Kirshner) and Diana Ossana's FIRST name. I think he said Dana.

7) Scarlett Johansson (Jo not Yo--Adrien Brody) and Laura Linney (Linley. Can't remember who) actually looking visibly peeved that people misprounounced their last names. Pierce Brosnan didn't flinch when someone called him Pierce Bronson.

8) Anne Hathaway's whorish bright red lipstick. All I could think of the whole time was that line from Anchor Man: "You've got a dirty whorish mouth"

9) Mariah Carey's whorish dress. All I could think of was George Steinbrenner forcing Derek Jeter to "dump the whore." That, and "Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island."

10) Finally, Emma Thompson, Johansson, Mary-Louise Parker, Keira Knightly and Ziyi Zhang all looking particulary gorgeous. Lost's Evangeline Lilly's dress was a tremendous disappointment, but my lady of the evening, Kate Beckinsale, saved the night, looking more elegant even than Queen Latifah.

Currently Listening to: Liars' It Fit When I Was a Kid