Bono's a boner.

I've been looking all over for the transcript of Bono's ridiculous speech last night at The Grammys--not the one where he bitched about not winning album of the year for Achtung Baby or All That You Can't Leave Behind--the first one where he started mumbling philosophic gibberish, that, as far as I can tell, made no sense whatsoever.

I really wanted to be dissecting that right now, but, alas, I'm just left with calling him a pompous, pretentious prick. Sorry dude, but I gave How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb a listen and laughed. It's horrible--almost as dorky as that pile of shit released by Green Day. It's winning a Grammy was justification of just how bad it is. Let's look at some winners over the past few years:

a) Genius Loves Company, Ray Charles & Various Artists (CLASSIC sympathy vote in 2005--the duets are awful.)
b) Come Away With Me, Norah Jones (people weren't so stoked on her when she released her second album of the same ol' shit--2003)
c) O Brother, Where Art Thou? Soundtrack, Various Artists (if anyone still listens to this I'll give them money--2002)
d) Two Against Nature, Steely Dan (WTF? 2001. Pretty bad year. "Who Let the Dogs Out" won best dance recording)
e) Supernatural, Santana (2000. Let's remember that this is the album that gave us "Smooth"--torturing supermarket employees for the rest of history)
f) Falling Into You, Celine Dion (1997. This was before "My Heart Will Go On.")
g) Jagged Little Pill, Alanis Morissette (This 1996 winner is debatable. That it was released the same year as Nirvana's MTV Unplugged in New York makes it a loser. That, and the fact she recently re-recorded the motherfucker acoustic.)
h) MTV Unplugged, Tony Bennett (1995. Yeah, well, also debatable. Old folks love it--can't help that.)
i) The Bodyguard—Original Soundtrack Album, Whitney Houston (1994--OK Bono. Have fun in her company. Also eligible/winning/losing this year: Smashing Pumpkins' Siamese Dream, Nirvana's In Utero and lots of trash: “If I Ever Lose My Faith in You,” Sting; “A Whole New World” (Theme From Aladdin), Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle; “I'd Do Anything for Love” (But I Won't Do That), Meat Loaf, U2's Zooropa.
j) Unforgettable, Natalie Cole with Nat King Cole (1992. Sentimental, again. R.E.M.'s Out of Time came out this year, as did a small album called Nevermind. Out of Time won for best Alternative album. I suppose it's still a toss up, when you take all of the factors into account. But, c'mon.)
k) Back on the Block, Quincy Jones (1991. I've never even heard of this album. We don't need to go any further. Nearly all the music in the mainstream sucked in the 1980s. That MC Hammer was nominated in 1991 is enough for me. Although, 1990 did see, “Twin Peaks Theme,” by Angelo Badalamenti win for best pop instrumental. Sinead O'Connor won the alternative category.)

That expert analysis leaves a few decent years: 2004 (Outkast's Speakerboxx/The Love Below) 1999 (Lauryn Hill's The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill), 1998 (Bob Dylan's Time Out of Mind in a REALLY lean year--think "I Believe I can Fly," Blackstreet and Shawn Colvin), 1993 (Eric Clapton's Unplugged, which got the sympathy vote over Achtung Baby, and I'm ok with that. Other than Nirvana's Unplugged, Clapton's is the best. Also of note this year: Tom Waits won for best Alternative album for Bone Machine. Now, if Boys II Men or Sir-Mix-A-Lot had won, Bono'd have a truly legit gripe).

I know what everyone who thinks they know about music is going to say: these albums were popular, they sold well, they had good "tunes," yadda yadda yadda.

But they're also, pretty much from start to finish, laughingstocks now, or in a couple cases, forgotten.

(Sidenote: where the fuck is Eminem?? I know at least one of his albums was the "best" album the year it came out. I'm calling shenanigans.)

So, yeah Bono, you've got your fucking legacy. Whee. I wish I could be listed in the same breath with Natalie Cole, Celine Dion and Whitney Houston, and have my songs be played in GROCERY STORES. Who-hoo!!! You're mom rock. Way to go. Oh yeah:

Your name is two letters away from being Boner.
And you chose it.
And you're not going to change the world.
And your new music sucks.
And The Edge is cooler than you.
And Mary J. Blige sings your song with more heart than you do.
And your sunglasses make you look like an idiot.
And you will never write a song like "Sunday Bloody Sunday" again.
And you will never write an album like The Joshua Tree ever again.

In watching the Grammy's I actually found a perverse kinship between Bono and Kanye West. If you haven't seen Micha-I-Mean Kanye's outfit from the Grammy's, try to find it online. He is such a cocky piece of shit. Who wears an open shirt besides rapists and losers? Who wears leather gloves in a painful attempt at a fashion statement? Who follows up calling out President Bush on National television with posing as JESUS CHRIST (unironically) on the cover of RollingStone and comes to the Grammys dressed up like they should be playing Tubbs instead of Jamie Foxx, with an attitude of entitlement that would rival Paris Hilton? They're both at that level of "Celebrity" where they aren't even real anymore. As Jen pointed out, Jay-Z (of all people...who would have thought after Jigga Man and all that other bullshit) has acheived a level of cool. He's totally chill...like Dave Grohl. Like David Bowie. Like Bruce Springsteen. Like Eminem. They don't need to fluff themselves up behind imagery (Bowie's grown up a tad since the '70s) to be cultural icons. They just are. They don't need masturbatory awards to prove it.

I listened to a few things while writing this, all of which are better than How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb: Weird War, Milemarker and White Magic.