Big Floppy Donkey Dick

Ok. The Oscars just ended a few hours ago and for the first time ever I watched the piece of trash in its entirety, simply because Jon Stewart was hosting. Already accounts are popping up all over the internet saying clever things like "Memo to Jon Stewart: Keep Your 'Daily' Job" and "You would have been more amused Sunday night if you‘d revved up your TiVo and played back an evening‘s worth of Daily Show with Jon Stewart reruns while you tracked Oscar winners on the Web."

Normally I'd defend one of my favorite comedians after a disastrous public appearance such as this one--but it was all his fault for taking the job. He knew it. You could see it in his face. He completely and utterly neutered himself. He lacked any sort of edge, and any edge he presented was stared at blankly by pretentious, uppity fucks like Charlize Theron and Joaquin Phoenix, or dumbs like Michelle Williams, Keira Knightley and Reese Witherspoon.

Sorry that Stewart sorta/kinda/maybe made fun of your "art" folks--your "art" no one, including yours truly--even went to see. Sure, I saw Walk The Line, (which, sorry Joaquin, was just the white version of Ray--the cameras caught Phoenix giving Stewart a death look. It's not Stewart's fault you decided to become an alcoholic for the role and have to go into rehab.) and sorta wanted to see Capote (only because of Philip Seymour Hoffman and Catherine Keener), but had ZERO interest in Goodluck and Goodnight (or whatever it's called), Brokeback Mountain or Crash. I'd just rather not go to the movies for a nap. I'd rather see something completely inventive (David Lynch psycho babble) or the new X-Men movie. That's because every single dramatic film I've seen over the last few years has been exactly the same, including the strange dark comedies I enjoy. Film is such a boring and formulaic medium and nothing is doing anything for me in the "multiplexes." I can't remember any movies I've seen in the past year other than The Devil's Rejects. That's pretty sad.

I even recently rented Nine Lives and The Memory of a Killer, one an indie (I think) and another a Belgian film everyone's raving about.

Not even remotely impressed.

I don't know. Maybe it's because I've started reading again. Maybe it's because television has started to clean house in terms of creativity and talent. Actually, the latter makes a lot of sense--if well-written, carefully planned shows like The Sopranos, The Shield, Six Feet Under, The Office, The L Word, Invasion, Deadwood, Rome, Weeds and Lost can captivate you for an entire year (or at least a few months), how can a two-hour film that simply brushes the surface of a plot even compete?

Being the conspiracy theorist I am, I'm sure the "academy" gave Jon Stewart a three-minute window to be funny before exclusively showing audience reactions by uppity assholes after every joke. I think my favorite part of the evening was when he showed a string of homoerotic clips from Westerns right in a row, and they panned to Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams. Williams had no idea what to do. She had this look of absolute horror on her face, and Ledger leaned in and said, "That's funny!" I saw something that said Stewart would be lumped into the Chris Rock/David Letterman class of Oscar hosts.

That's not bad company to be in, considering Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg and Steve Martin weren't even genuinely funny when they actually were "funny." They had 1980s Joan Cusack humor. It's lame. But apparently what Hollywood wants. Maybe that's why their city is one of the most disgusting, urine-stained and embarassing places on the face of the planet. They're all so doped up on anti-depressants, cocaine OR scientology they don't even have a grip on reality anymore.

It was almost like all of Hollywood had never seen The Daily Show, which is probably very true. They're busy people. Busy getting into character for roles, snorting coke, working out and pretending to care about the rest of the world.

I'm sorry, but an actor is just that. They're, in the words of Julianne Moore, pretending. Playing make believe. It's the writers and directors who deserve nearly all of the artistic accolades--unless it's one of those truly great actors, people like Hoffman, Keener, Jeffrey Wright, William H. Macy or John Turturro--people who actually do bring something unique to each unique character they play....

I don't know. I just can't get that self-righteous smirk from Charlize Theron out of my head. Or the flippant way she fluttered her eyelids when Stewart cracked a joke about her. He should have just gone balls to the wall after the first few jokes bombed and torn Hollywood a new one--because as it stands now, he just looks like a pussy.

other notes:

*It's nice to see Jessica Alba has entered the "Ok, I got famous with my ass and boobs, now it's time to starve myself" phase of her career, following in the footsteps of Lindsay Lohan and Christina Ricci.
*Why can't every pair of presenters do a bit as awesome and funny as Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep's?
*Will Ferrell and Steve Carell were hilarious.
*What the fuck was Naomi Watts wearing? I'm surprised Dick Cheney didn't shoot her, along with Bjork (inside ba dum bum)
*No offense, but how did Uma Thurman get into the "Tom Hanks, Dustin Hoffman and Jack Nicholson" presenter category? I mean, she's hot, but, um, they're kinda legends...